DA VINCI CODE EVIDENCE
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The Dick Cheney
"Wheel of Fortune"
Tee Shirt

-Older but not wiser !  A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spend  $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she  stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I  am?"  "About 32," is the reply. 
"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.  A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter 
girl the very same question. The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29." The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."  Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30." > Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"  While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next  to her the same question.  He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It  sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.  Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are." They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."  He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around  very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am I?" He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50."  Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?" The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"  "I promise I won't." she says. "I was behind you in line at McDonald's." 
My wife left me!!!  I don't understand. After the last child was born, she told me we had to cut back on expenses, and I had to give up drinking beer.  I was not a big drinker, maybe a 12 pack on weekends. Anyway, I gave it up. But then the other day I noticed that, when she came home from grocery shopping and I looked at the receipt, I saw $45 in makeup. I said, "Wait a minute. I've given up beer, and you haven't given up anything!" She said, "I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you."  I told her, "Hell, that's what the beer was for!"  
I don't think she'll be back.... 
A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the Trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The old gentleman paused. Then said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back." 
"Have a good day, Sir," replied the Trooper.

Frog Eye Test:    I routinely undergo various tests to determine how my vision is doing.   I just had my annual test and my doctor gave me a new test that he uses.  This is a relatively new test. He gave me a copy of it to put on my computer so I can test myself every few weeks. I asked for permission to forward it to others and he graciously said I could, seeing it was new and so valuable.                            Click here to take the test. 
Sisters Mary Catherine, Maria Theresa, Katherine Marie, Rose Frances, &Mary Kathleen left the Convent on a trip to St. Patrick's Cathedral in New York City and were sight-seeing on a Tuesday in July. It was hot and humid in town and their traditional garb was making them so uncomfortable, they decided to stop in at Patty McGuire's Pub for a cold soft drink.
Patty had recently added special legs to his barstools, which were the talk of the fashionable eastside neighborhood. All 5 Nuns sat up at the bar and were enjoying their Cokes when Monsignor Riley and Father McGinty entered the bar through the front door.
They, too, came for a cold drink when they were shocked and almost fainted at what they saw, Click Here!
At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that
 they both loved to fish. Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day! The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.
They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?" All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat! When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years. They fished for awhile and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river. He again asked the lady, "Up or down?" There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again. This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day! She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in the river, and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or down?" The woman replied, "Down." A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady, "Up or down?" She replied, "Up." This really confused the gentleman so he asked, "What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down, you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!" She replied, "Well, yesterday, I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought you said 
"fuck or drown."

Subject: Water and Beer education
WATER..... It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 liter of water each day at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli bacteria found in feces ........In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop! However, we do not run that risk when drinking beer because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of boiling  filtering ... and fermenting. 
 WATER = Poop     BEER = HEALTH
 Free yourself of Poop, drink BEER!!! It is better to drink beer and talk shit than to drink water and be full of shit.

How not to rob a Liquor Store

Kids writing about the sea
1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)
2) Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)
3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island . If you don't have sea all round you, you are incontinent. ( Wayne age 7)
4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 
5) A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy age 8)
6) My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 6)
7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William age 7)
8) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. And how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen age 6)
9) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)
10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)
11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)
12) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age 8)
13) On holidays my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her fat ass. (Jule age 7)

Poems from Gene Hansen:  
Women's Poem Man's Poem
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.		 I pray for an extremely rich deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
who owns a liquor store and a golf course. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit. 

 

 

 

 

 


Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols:

It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least three thousand years old!

The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings. The President of the society pointed to first drawing and said: "This is a woman. We can see these people held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol is a donkey, so they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing is a shovel, which means they had tools to help them."
Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine hit the earth and food didn't grow, they seek food from the sea. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews.
The audience applauded enthusiastically. ? Then a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, "Idiots, Hebrew is read from right to left......
It says: 'Holy Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That Chick

After a hard day on the golf course it is wonderful to have your best girl meet you at the door with a cold beer!

 

 

 

You know how I have felt about illegal Mexican immigrants in this country: I've ranted and raved and carried on about them for years.

That changed six months ago when I met the surviving members of the Lopez family, all seven of whom are pictured in the attached photograph. Once I heard the tragic story of how they were orphaned by a mudslide in Mexico that left them with little more than the sombreros on their heads, my heart melted and I could not help but reach out to embrace them.


Accordingly, in defiance of United States immigration policies, I have taken them into my home and given them a semblance of the family they tragically lost.


While that action has been tremendously gratifying, it has not come without significant personal hardship and sacrifice. The cost of providing for the needs of seven new family members has been substantial.


Remember: We are a nation of immigrants, and we must not close the door just because we are fortunate enough to already be inside
   

 

 

 

Subject: FW: Texas drinking rules

A Mexican drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink from the same glass twice."

An Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47 and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Iraq we have so much sand to make glass that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either."

The Texas boy, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi, and catches his glass. He says, "In America we have so many illegal Mexicans and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice."

Does this really need a caption?
A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles, and he will stop snoring.  "Yeah right!" she says.  A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed. Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly. The woman decides maybe the ribbon might work on him. So, she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly. The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.
He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, "I don't know where we were ...or what we did ...  but, by God ...We took FIRST and SECOND place.
Two guys from Daniels County are sittin' in a boat at Fort Peck Montana fishing and suckin' down beer when all of a sudden Bill says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 6 months." Earl sips his beer and says, "You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."
We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below: 
GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next."
I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject

Latest eye test:

 How many crabs in the photo?

Answer:  None, they are lobsters!!
You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when
you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus: 

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die. 
2. An old friend who once saved your life. 
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about. 

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car? 
Think before you continue reading.  This is a moral and ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.  You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again. The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams." 
Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box." 
HOWEVER.... The correct answer is to run over the old lady and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.  
I just love happy endings ....